Promotion or Survival? My Unexpected Path to Engineering Manager
“Sometimes growth looks a lot like chaos.”
In December 2024, I was promoted to a Engineering Lead at Henry Meds. It was the culmination of months of recognition, strong work, and team collaboration. But it didn’t feel like a celebration. It felt like survival.
Just a few months after that promotion was approved, I found myself in the middle of a company-wide layoff. My manager—the person who had championed me—was gone. And within weeks, the engineering org I’d grown with began to erode. People left in waves, some out of fear, others out of anger, and many simply because the writing was on the wall.
By June, I was officially an Engineering Manager. But I wasn’t sure if I had earned it or if I had just been the last one standing.
A Brief Flashback
I joined Henry Meds as a Senior Frontend Engineer, ready to build. And I did. I loved writing code, solving problems, and quietly leading from the front. My manager recognized that and tapped me to lead our Customer Journey team.
At that time, our team merged with the Core Retention team, and despite the reshuffle, I was still backed to lead. Another colleague was chosen to lead Retention Core — we were essentially peer leads on tightly connected teams. Leadership approved both of us, but promotions were put on pause until our 1-year anniversaries.
Then April happened.
Layoffs, Goodbyes, and Uncertainty
The layoffs were brutal. My manager was part of the reduction. Suddenly, I was leading a team in name only—no title, no formal support, no roadmap. My new (former) manager was on paternity leave but reached out with honesty: he’d be back, but he was also job hunting.
Two weeks after returning, he let us know he was taking another job. I respected the move—but it still stung. I had barely found my footing as a lead, and now I was being asked whether I wanted to be a manager.
I hesitated.
Not because I didn’t care. But because I do care. I knew enough to know this wasn’t a light decision. Management isn’t a reward—it’s a role. A responsibility. A shift.
But I said yes.
The Interviews and the Shift
HR moved quickly. I interviewed internally, alongside another teammate, and was ultimately selected to manage the Retention team.
It came with a title bump, a pay raise, and the kind of professional opportunity people work years for.
So why did I feel so... conflicted?
What They Don’t Tell You
What no one really prepares you for is how hard it is to stop coding. To stop measuring your impact in commits, PRs, and clean deploys. My calendar is now filled with meetings, 1:1s, planning sessions, and coordination work. It’s meaningful—but it’s harder to feel the wins.
I find myself wondering:
- Am I helping?
- Is this the right move?
- Did I give up something I loved to do something I’m just okay at?
I want to be the kind of manager I always respected. The ones who were in the trenches with you. Who would take the crappy parts of the job before delegating them. Who made you feel seen, valued, and safe to grow.
But it’s hard to lead when you're still figuring out how to stand.
So... Was It Worth It?
Honestly? I’m still figuring that out. Some days, I feel energized. I'm guiding projects, mentoring teammates, setting culture. Other days, I miss the simplicity of code. The feedback loop was shorter. The expectations clearer.
But I do believe this: the scariest moves are often the most important ones. And this one scared the hell out of me.
Whether this role becomes my new path or just a stop along the way, I know I said “yes” not because I was sure, but because I wanted to grow.
And growth never comes easy.
Final Thoughts
If you’re on the edge of a transition—whether to management, another team, or even another company—just know: it’s okay to not feel ready. No one ever really does. Promotions don’t come with confidence baked in. That comes later, through the hard days, the awkward 1:1s, and the moments where you’re asking yourself, “What the hell am I doing?”
I’m still asking. But I’m also showing up. And for now, that’s enough.